The Epidemic of Loneliness Among Men: A Closer Look
Is loneliness deadly?
Despite our wealth and internet connectivity, Americans are paradoxically self-describing themselves as lonely, and that includes men – lots of us. According to former U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, 50 percent of adults reported a spike in loneliness even before COVID. Among men, only 27% have six or more close friends, and 50% report having none at all.
Moreover, research suggests that chronic loneliness can shorten a person’s lifespan to the equivalent of smoking 15 cigarettes a day. How can men connect and effectively “unsmoke” over 200 packs per year?
Bart Lillie has some simple but profound ideas. The Denver-based marketing executive is also a volunteer with the Restoration Project, a Denver-based nonprofit helping men learn the social skills of building community. If that sounds like a lot of mushy soft skills talk, fine, but that’s where men need help. Some men don’t know how to make a simple introduction. Some men are fine with the introduction and small chat, but don’t know how to pivot deeper. Fewer still know how to keep the discussion going into the pricklier but more meaningful and pressing subjects of difficult marriages, besetting habits, cranky teenagers, career problems, and the rest. Even fewer know how to get beyond mere catharsis and into true healing.
Bart recently shared on my podcast a three-step approach for men ending loneliness by creating community.
Go First. Bart says “create” is a really important word. Not find, but create community. If you’re trying to find an established community of men, remember the original problem – most men aren’t doing relational health well, so you might very well find yourself in the position of having to be the guy who plants the flag and says, “Here I am. Who else wants to stop coughing up a lung?”
Bart calls this type of person the Go First profile, because these are the guys who have concluded they are sick and tired of being sick and tired and want to do something about their condition. They care less about who shows up, and more about just showing up.
Go With. Next is the profile of men who are waiting for the Go First type to come by. If you tell this man about an event, he will more likely agree to the invitation and Go With. The Go With guy will go when he’s explicitly called out, but not before. It reminds me of Jesus saying to Matthew in the gospel of Matthew, 4:19, “Come follow me.” Matthew craved Jesus’ invitation and responded immediately, because Matthew’s wealth from tax collections made for very poor human fellowship. Matthew needed to be approached by a Go First kind of guy.
Go Along. The Go Along profile is a little bit more of a stretch. Bart says that this profile is assessing, and thinking, “I don’t know if I’m going to do that or not. Going Along represents a bigger step.” The Go With is almost an automatic response. Go Along means is “I’m not sure.” It’s not a “no” but definitely short of a “yes.”
Bart says that among the men he ministers to in this profile, he has to slightly push them for their own good by getting them to set aside notions of whether these guys are “his people.” Whether they are too this, too that, too wealthy, too educated, or too whatever, Bart exhorts this profile to just get going and make the commitment.
Bart says to stretch yourself and in that moment, adopt a Go With mindset and just make the investment.
Ultimately, reversing our epidemic of loneliness lies in cultivating genuine connections, and Bart’s Go First, Go With, and Go Along idea can be helpful. If you don’t live in a community of highly relational men, then you may be one who must create it so that others can find it.
By fostering community, Go Firsts, Go Withs, and Go Alongs can come together and help each other “unsmoke” 15 cigarettes per day.
